Method

Working with values

Values are what matters to us: freedom, honesty, connectedness, security. They give strength and direction and stand in an inner order of rank. Working with values makes this order visible, clarifies contradictions, and uncovers values we try to achieve through behavior, even though their fulfillment isn’t in our hands at all.

Patterns and beliefs

Introduction

What matters to you

Some decisions can’t be made with a list of pros and cons. You sense that there’s more to it. Or you notice that you say yes when you mean no, and you don’t quite know why.

Often it is about values then: about what matters to you, and about the order in which these things stand in relation to each other. Working with values makes this order visible. Not to judge it from the outside, but so that you can decide more clearly and live in a way that feels more coherent.

In depth

What values are

In language, values are nouns that have grown out of something we do: “to rejoice” becomes “joy,” “to trust” becomes “trust.” A value sounds like a thing you either have or don’t have. In fact, it is something that is lived. That’s why a simple question leads back into experience:

How do you notice that you’re free right now?

Values work in three ways:

They motivate For high values, we get up early and accept the effort.
They provide a framework They determine what we consider right, decent, and justifiable.
They shape quality of life Those who can live their most important values experience their life as coherent. Those who keep putting them aside often feel a vague dissatisfaction.

Need, value, strategy

Nonviolent Communication distinguishes three levels that easily blur in everyday life:

Needs Shared by all human beings: safety, connection, autonomy, meaning.
Values The personal expression of what matters to you. Punctuality is central for one person and secondary for another.
Strategies The concrete, interchangeable ways in which we meet needs.

The distinction helps above all in conflicts. On the level of strategies, there are often only winners and losers:

One level deeper

“Let’s go to the mountains” versus “Let’s go to the beach.” If you ask what matters to each person about it, you often find solutions that weren’t visible before.

Three kinds of values

The psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl described three ways in which people realize values and find meaning in them:

Creative values What you give: a task, a work, a deed. Values that come alive in doing and creating.
Experiential values What you receive: an encounter, nature, music, love. Values that are fulfilled in experiencing, without your having to achieve anything.
Attitudinal values How you position yourself: toward what cannot be changed. Values that lie in the attitude you take.

The distinction broadens the view. If you look for values only in doing, you overlook what is already there in experiencing. And where nothing more can be shaped, the freedom remains to choose how you relate to it.

Hopeless values

The term comes from working with The Work. It distinguishes three areas: what is in my hands, what is in someone else’s hands, and what no one controls. Whether someone loves, respects, or accepts you is up to them. Even so, many people try to bring about such values through their own behavior. The pattern is always the same:

If I behave like this → I’ll get that

If I’m perfect, I’ll get recognition.
If I adapt, I’ll be accepted.
If I hold myself back, I’ll belong.
If I say yes, I’ll be loved.
If I give 150 percent, I’ll be respected.

Because the link doesn’t hold, the math never works out. You pretend to be someone else, act in ways that don’t feel right, and still don’t get what you long for. On top of that comes a subtle effect: the behavior, such as “being perfect,” often rises just as high in the inner order of rank as the longed-for value itself and pushes aside other values you would actually like to live.

If you recognize that you are pursuing a hopeless value, you can stop trying to force something and turn to what is in your hands.

This behavior, too, had a good reason. It was the best way someone knew so far to secure belonging or recognition.

Order of rank and conflicts

Values are never of equal rank. The inner order usually works unconsciously and only shows when two values are pitted against each other. It is held in place by beliefs: if you ask why politeness matters to you, the answer might be “Politeness gets me further.” Sentences like this link values and determine which one ranks above which. The order isn’t rigid. Phases of life and experiences change it, and sometimes a “forgotten” value becomes important again.

Every value has neighbors and opponents: freedom and loyalty, security and adventure, honesty and consideration. A conflict between values can take place within you, for example when you want to be there for your family and also follow your career path, or between people, when each stands up for a different, legitimate value. It isn’t a mistake; it shows that several things matter to you. Clarifying rarely means giving up a value, but rather understanding which one takes priority in this situation.

Values also differ in how we picture them inwardly. If you think of a very important value, a moderately important one, and a less important one in turn, different inner images, sounds, or bodily sensations usually come up. For many people, what is important appears high and close, what is unimportant low and far away.

Values in everyday life

Values only become effective in action. In decisions, the key question is: Does this decision support what matters most to me? Looking at it the other way around is just as revealing: Where does my behavior not yet reflect my values? And because values change, it’s worth looking at your own order of priority from time to time.

Common misunderstandings

“A list of values is a personality test.” An order of priority is a snapshot. It describes what matters now, not who someone is.
“If you know your values, you automatically live by them.” Knowledge alone isn’t enough. What counts are the beliefs that link values with behavior.
“In a conflict between values, I have to choose one value.” Usually it’s about clarifying which takes priority in a situation, not about giving up a value.
“Values and needs are the same thing.” Needs are shared by all human beings, values are their personal expression, and strategies are the interchangeable ways.
“If I just try hard enough, I’ll get recognition.” That is exactly the pattern of hopeless values: whether others give recognition is up to them.

Working with values is not a moral lecture about which values would be good, and it doesn’t give you ready-made answers. It helps you find your own.

Key points

Values never stand alone but in an inner order of rank, which usually only shows when two of them are pitted against each other.
Values can be lived in three ways: in creating, in experiencing, and in the attitude we take toward what cannot be changed.
Hopeless values follow the pattern “If I behave like this, I’ll get that.” Because the fulfillment lies with others, the math never works out.

Clarity & impactTake a look at my offering on Working with valuesLooking ahead: giving new ideas and wishes clear shape and letting them take effect. Toward what you want—in language, expression, and behavior.

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